You love your child more than anything in the world — and yet you sometimes feel like a stranger in your own relationship. Your sex drive is gone, or at least it's not what it used to be. And it's hard to talk about, because it feels like you should be happy. You are happy. And yet you miss something. If that sounds familiar, you are far from alone.
What's actually happening in your body and mind?
Pregnancy and childbirth change the body in ways that take time to understand — and even longer to accept. Hormones play a crucial role. In women who are breastfeeding, estrogen levels are low, and prolactin — the hormone that stimulates milk production — often dampens sexual desire. This isn't a flaw. It's biology. The body prioritizes the baby. But knowing that rarely helps when you're lying in bed feeling miles away from your partner.
For men, it's different, but not necessarily easier. Many men find themselves holding back out of consideration for their partner — or simply not knowing what they're allowed to think and feel now that the role of motherhood has entered the relationship. Psychologist and couples therapist Sue Johnson, the creator of attachment-based EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), points out that major life transitions like parenthood can activate our deepest attachment needs — and that we often respond by withdrawing or pushing against each other, rather than drawing closer.
Intimacy is more than sex
One of the things that easily disappears in the chaos of having a baby is small intimacy — the brief touches, the gaze that lingers just a little longer than necessary, the conversation that isn't about sleep, food, or logistics. Researcher and author John Gottman has spent decades studying couples and found that it's not the grand romantic gestures that keep a relationship alive — it's the small moments of connection and recognition. The so-called "bids for connection." And there's rarely energy for those when you're exhausted and overwhelmed.
That doesn't mean the relationship is in trouble. It means it needs attention. There's a difference between temporarily losing desire — and permanently losing the connection to each other.
What can you do?
The first step is often the hardest: talking about it without turning it into a problem that needs to be solved. Not "we haven't had sex in two months" as an accusation — but "I miss you" as an invitation. Naming the longing rather than the absence. Reminding each other that you're still a couple, not just parents.
It can also help to lower the bar for what intimacy has to mean. Intimacy isn't just sex. It's holding hands while you watch a film. It's saying "I'm glad it's you." It's asking "how are you really doing?" and waiting for the answer.
Sex drive rarely comes back because you push for it. It comes back when the body rests and the connection is rebuilt — at whatever pace is possible right now.
What do you miss most in your relationship during this period — and have you told your partner?
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